My new blog site is
www.nonbiomominthecity.blogspot.com
Monday, July 27, 2009
I have a new blog...
check this out...
www.nonbiomominthecity.com
is my new blog space... check it out!
Micki
www.nonbiomominthecity.com
is my new blog space... check it out!
Micki
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Day by Day
I am getting used to living in Cali. Every day I find out something new, like where the post office is or the park for Javier. I am also amazed at how clean it is here. Nothing like saving the enviroment, ya know? I walk everywhere and my legs can feel it! Thank goodness for the hot tub! Which reminds me to call the front office and complain that the pool is NOT HEATED!!!
I take the Bart to work everyday. The system just runs itself. I don't EVER have to wait for my ride...I don't know if its beginners luck or if its just so damn efficient. I leave the house at 8:15 and I am walking into the blding by 9. I leave work at exactly 4 pm and I arrive home at 5:10. Takes me a little longer to get home for some reason. Either way, I don't have to drive and I have noticed that my stress level is really low here. I wear my headphones and listen to my ipod as I walk to work feeling like someone important ...feeling as though I have lived here for years and know my way around. It's so cool.
I am a tad bit lonely for friends...I do miss my Michigan posse...esp my whores...we have Fernando here, but I haven't seen him since last Friday. Lisa and Rachelle have twins and we met them on the yahoo chat a year and a half ago. We had breakfast with them when we surprised Fernando for his bday. We will meet for dinner next week in Santa Clara and then go for surfing lessons with them in August. It doesn't feel the same though. We haven't met anyone in our apartment complex. Perhaps we will on Sunday when they offer the free brunch.
Okay, off to call the apartment complex. They are going to get an ear full from me!
I take the Bart to work everyday. The system just runs itself. I don't EVER have to wait for my ride...I don't know if its beginners luck or if its just so damn efficient. I leave the house at 8:15 and I am walking into the blding by 9. I leave work at exactly 4 pm and I arrive home at 5:10. Takes me a little longer to get home for some reason. Either way, I don't have to drive and I have noticed that my stress level is really low here. I wear my headphones and listen to my ipod as I walk to work feeling like someone important ...feeling as though I have lived here for years and know my way around. It's so cool.
I am a tad bit lonely for friends...I do miss my Michigan posse...esp my whores...we have Fernando here, but I haven't seen him since last Friday. Lisa and Rachelle have twins and we met them on the yahoo chat a year and a half ago. We had breakfast with them when we surprised Fernando for his bday. We will meet for dinner next week in Santa Clara and then go for surfing lessons with them in August. It doesn't feel the same though. We haven't met anyone in our apartment complex. Perhaps we will on Sunday when they offer the free brunch.
Okay, off to call the apartment complex. They are going to get an ear full from me!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Big deep breath
Okay, so its been a while since I have posted! Lots has happened since we last spoke! I am not living in Detroit anymore!!! We are NOW in San Francisco! Since we last spoke, I left CC and was hired on by Entercom Radio and will start 95.7 The Wolf on Monday. It has been a whirlwind of a ride. Ann, baby and I are all moved in to our new place. It's amazing! I feel like we live in a hotel. We have an amazing ocean side dog park that we take Monti to and she can roam free and play with other dogs. It's just been amazing. I do miss my friends back in Michigan, though. I wish they could some how or another move here or visit frequently. They would all LOVE IT! It's Trader Joe's central here in Cali.
Some things I have discovered about San Fran is that WE DO NEED A CAR!!!! Nothing too fancy. I will take the Emerygo round (its free) to the Bart station and hop on a Bart which will drop me off at Embarcadero...walk two blocks and I am at work.... but for grocery shopping and errands etc. I will need a car. Right now we are renting one until we get signed up with zip-car.com which allows us access to a vehicle anytime we want for only $7 an hour. There is a zip car parking lot right across the street from our apartment complex. Amazing!
I have mix feelings about all of this of course. Yes, its amazing and thrilling and beautiful! I can't believe I live in California...San Francisco of all places, but I do feel sad...sad that all of my REAL friends...chosen family are in Michigan.
Some things I have discovered about San Fran is that WE DO NEED A CAR!!!! Nothing too fancy. I will take the Emerygo round (its free) to the Bart station and hop on a Bart which will drop me off at Embarcadero...walk two blocks and I am at work.... but for grocery shopping and errands etc. I will need a car. Right now we are renting one until we get signed up with zip-car.com which allows us access to a vehicle anytime we want for only $7 an hour. There is a zip car parking lot right across the street from our apartment complex. Amazing!
I have mix feelings about all of this of course. Yes, its amazing and thrilling and beautiful! I can't believe I live in California...San Francisco of all places, but I do feel sad...sad that all of my REAL friends...chosen family are in Michigan.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Memorial Weekend
I have been so over worked. It's unbelievable how much work I have. My cup runneth over. I am not complaining...I am just exhausted. I know Ann and I just got back from Texas a few weeks ago, but we need a vacation after that trip! Visiting my family is wonderful, but I planned this trip so quick that when we got home, I slept for 7 hours and then went to work. I usually like to take vacation and then recover at home for a few days and then go back to work. This time Ann and I are vacationing in Sagatuck with our dear friends. We leave tomorrow and will stay gone until Monday evening. We are renting a small cottage on the lake and I am seriously looking forward to just relaxing by the lake, reading Angels and Demons and playing in the sand and water with Javier. Those are my low expectations this weekend and I plan on following through. :)
Hope all of you have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend! Please remember that this day (weekend) is all about our military men and women who are veterans and currently serving in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Hope all of you have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend! Please remember that this day (weekend) is all about our military men and women who are veterans and currently serving in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Relationships
When I was in my twenties I fell in love with an extremely passionate woman who took me on a whirl wind of a ride. I would describe our relationship as "MAD LOVE!" Intense, angry, no one in the world understands us, and inseparable dysfunctional love. During that time I managed to have an affair with another woman for nearly four years. We never had sex, but kissed once or twice and held each other and would meet for long outings. When I told my partner about this other woman, she gave me an ultimatum....that I take a job offer in Michigan to get away and work on our relationship. So, I packed up everything I had in Texas and left my family and moved us all the way to Detroit. While in Michigan, my partner fell in love with another woman and I rekindled my old flame in Texas.
My partner and I knew we weren't good for each other. My affair and I knew we weren't good for each other, but we kept on doing what we were doing and refused to stop the cycle until I finally made a move. I told my partner that we were through and she agreed. I told my affair we were through, but I didn't know how to let go. So, I thought my affair and I would pick up right where we left off, but what I didn't realize was that my affair was lying to me now and had already moved on with another woman. (Shakes head...what a mess)
I was in no condition to move forward with another woman, but Ann walked into my life just as both relationships were ending. She was my saving grace. She endured all the pain I experienced from my ex and my affair. She was nothing short of amazing! At first however, I didn't think I loved Ann or that Ann loved me because we didn't fight or get mad at each other. I would create arguments so we could fight and then "make up" so I would know she loved me. Basically I was using old tactics in a new and different relationship. Boy was I F.U.B.R
It wasn't until my therapist -Peper- sat me down and explained to me that LOVE does not hurt. Love is NOT cheating. Love is not maddening. Love is not co-dependent. Love is not angry. What I had to learn was that love was staring at me right in the face... the right way....and I was clueless ...and I almost lost it.
This kind of love that I have for Ann is real. It's amazing and all in compassing. It doesn't require us to lie to one another. It's breath taking and it feels like forever. Together we have a beautiful life and I know that no one can break the bond that the two of us have. My past affairs and lies are over. I have turned a new leaf and refuse to be that woman I once was with my ex partner and affair.
The reason I am blogging about this is because I recently discovered that a friend of mine moved in with a couple friend of ours. This friend fell in love with one of the married girls. The marriage is now over. This friend is now living with one of the married girls. The other married girl has moved out and is just devastated. I AM devastated for her. I know what this feels like. I also know what it feels like to be the affair and the friend. I feel judgmental and confused about my friendship with my friend. I want to end the friendship so bad...and truth be told I already have, but yet I have guilt for not being there for this friend. I feel like I should understand what she is going through, but then again, I feel sick to my stomach because their situation is all too familiar for me. It brings out the anxiety in me that I used to carry. It makes me sad. It's a trigger.
I am doing my best to stay focused on my life as it is right now. Ann and I are NOT my past relationships. We are valueable. We are a breath of fresh air. My life with Ann has been full of lessons. Some valuable ones I have learned are.... When you make a life promise to someone you stand by that promise. When you say 'til death do us part you better mean it. When you go before your GOD and your family and friends and commit your LOVE, you better honor that commitment and NOT throw it away.
To my friend who I am deeply ashamed of, I am sorry that you don't love yourself enough to walk away. I am sorry that my friendship with you NEVER taught you a damn thing. You don't fall in love with another woman's wife. The humanly thing to do, the womanly and respectful thing to do is to walk away with your integrity in tact and say I apologize to all parties including YOURSELF.
To my wife who has stood by me...my love for you is strong. It's deep. Words can not describe how I feel for you....but I know you know what I mean when I say "My cup runneth over..."
My partner and I knew we weren't good for each other. My affair and I knew we weren't good for each other, but we kept on doing what we were doing and refused to stop the cycle until I finally made a move. I told my partner that we were through and she agreed. I told my affair we were through, but I didn't know how to let go. So, I thought my affair and I would pick up right where we left off, but what I didn't realize was that my affair was lying to me now and had already moved on with another woman. (Shakes head...what a mess)
I was in no condition to move forward with another woman, but Ann walked into my life just as both relationships were ending. She was my saving grace. She endured all the pain I experienced from my ex and my affair. She was nothing short of amazing! At first however, I didn't think I loved Ann or that Ann loved me because we didn't fight or get mad at each other. I would create arguments so we could fight and then "make up" so I would know she loved me. Basically I was using old tactics in a new and different relationship. Boy was I F.U.B.R
It wasn't until my therapist -Peper- sat me down and explained to me that LOVE does not hurt. Love is NOT cheating. Love is not maddening. Love is not co-dependent. Love is not angry. What I had to learn was that love was staring at me right in the face... the right way....and I was clueless ...and I almost lost it.
This kind of love that I have for Ann is real. It's amazing and all in compassing. It doesn't require us to lie to one another. It's breath taking and it feels like forever. Together we have a beautiful life and I know that no one can break the bond that the two of us have. My past affairs and lies are over. I have turned a new leaf and refuse to be that woman I once was with my ex partner and affair.
The reason I am blogging about this is because I recently discovered that a friend of mine moved in with a couple friend of ours. This friend fell in love with one of the married girls. The marriage is now over. This friend is now living with one of the married girls. The other married girl has moved out and is just devastated. I AM devastated for her. I know what this feels like. I also know what it feels like to be the affair and the friend. I feel judgmental and confused about my friendship with my friend. I want to end the friendship so bad...and truth be told I already have, but yet I have guilt for not being there for this friend. I feel like I should understand what she is going through, but then again, I feel sick to my stomach because their situation is all too familiar for me. It brings out the anxiety in me that I used to carry. It makes me sad. It's a trigger.
I am doing my best to stay focused on my life as it is right now. Ann and I are NOT my past relationships. We are valueable. We are a breath of fresh air. My life with Ann has been full of lessons. Some valuable ones I have learned are.... When you make a life promise to someone you stand by that promise. When you say 'til death do us part you better mean it. When you go before your GOD and your family and friends and commit your LOVE, you better honor that commitment and NOT throw it away.
To my friend who I am deeply ashamed of, I am sorry that you don't love yourself enough to walk away. I am sorry that my friendship with you NEVER taught you a damn thing. You don't fall in love with another woman's wife. The humanly thing to do, the womanly and respectful thing to do is to walk away with your integrity in tact and say I apologize to all parties including YOURSELF.
To my wife who has stood by me...my love for you is strong. It's deep. Words can not describe how I feel for you....but I know you know what I mean when I say "My cup runneth over..."
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Great news and okay news
The last few months I have felt like a psycho a few days before my period. I get angry quick and snap. I get emotionally out of control and want to cry! I feel like escaping and sometimes I feel like I want to jump off a building and end it all. I used to think that the women I heard complaining about crazy menstrual cycles like mine were wackadoodles and now...well I am either a wackadoodle or I am just like every other woman who has crazy hormonal issues during her period. I have been diagnosed with pmdd. This is a new thing for me!
So, what can I do about it? Nothing, really. I can't do HRT. (Hormone Replacement Therapy) because I have a genetic pre-disposition for clotting. I have whats called MTHFR which we found when I was trying to get pregnant with Ann's embies. It's a clotting disorder. Okay, I unintentionally lied when I said there was nothing we could do about my pmdd. With MTHFR, if ones homocistine levels are normal, then clotting concerns are that of the general population and if thats the case, one can do hrt with monitoring. SO! I saw my hematologist and he is testing my homocistine levels and when we get the news I should have some solutions for the PMDD.
"Okay" news continues, I had a cyst rupture! It hurt like a son of a gun! I went to the ER and then followed up with my gyno. She wants to shut my ovaries down with depo-lupron. I don't know if I am ready for that...I feel as though if Ann and I don't do something, we will loose my fertility. Since my obgyn didn't seem concerned about it, I fired her and hired a midwife. She is awesome and understanding!!!
We are doing labs and getting a complete work up! I go in Monday for fasting labs and should have answers before I leave for Texas next week. What answers do I need and want? I want to hear relief is on the way! "PMDD will not ruin your life or control your life! We can control this and preserve your fertility. You will be able to have children with a surrogate mother. You are going to be OKAY and the MTHFR is not going to hinder your hormone therapy." thats what I want to HEAR!!!
The GREAT NEWS! My MRI came back normal. My pit tumor is not back! 7 years in the clear!!! Also, Ann and I decided to start project baby! We will start baby making once she is done with Clin Med. So August to August she will be working on school and I will continue my long journey to maintaining a normal weight and excellent health for embryo retrieval so they can be transferred to Ann.
So, what can I do about it? Nothing, really. I can't do HRT. (Hormone Replacement Therapy) because I have a genetic pre-disposition for clotting. I have whats called MTHFR which we found when I was trying to get pregnant with Ann's embies. It's a clotting disorder. Okay, I unintentionally lied when I said there was nothing we could do about my pmdd. With MTHFR, if ones homocistine levels are normal, then clotting concerns are that of the general population and if thats the case, one can do hrt with monitoring. SO! I saw my hematologist and he is testing my homocistine levels and when we get the news I should have some solutions for the PMDD.
"Okay" news continues, I had a cyst rupture! It hurt like a son of a gun! I went to the ER and then followed up with my gyno. She wants to shut my ovaries down with depo-lupron. I don't know if I am ready for that...I feel as though if Ann and I don't do something, we will loose my fertility. Since my obgyn didn't seem concerned about it, I fired her and hired a midwife. She is awesome and understanding!!!
We are doing labs and getting a complete work up! I go in Monday for fasting labs and should have answers before I leave for Texas next week. What answers do I need and want? I want to hear relief is on the way! "PMDD will not ruin your life or control your life! We can control this and preserve your fertility. You will be able to have children with a surrogate mother. You are going to be OKAY and the MTHFR is not going to hinder your hormone therapy." thats what I want to HEAR!!!
The GREAT NEWS! My MRI came back normal. My pit tumor is not back! 7 years in the clear!!! Also, Ann and I decided to start project baby! We will start baby making once she is done with Clin Med. So August to August she will be working on school and I will continue my long journey to maintaining a normal weight and excellent health for embryo retrieval so they can be transferred to Ann.
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